Hills of Bills

"NO MAN'S LIFE OR PROPERTY IS SAFE, WHILE THE LEGISLATURE IS IN SESSION."

Every two years I wrack my brain trying to remember who originated this fine political observation, but fail. It sounds like Will Rogers or Mark Twain, two of America's greatest philosophers. Regardless, the thought is sort of fun to contemplate-but also frightening. Will the 2005 Legislature be different? Do not bet anything of value, not even a Susan B. Anthony dollar.

There are 150 total elected members of the House of Representatives and the Senate. Each one is allowed to "propose" as many new bills as they want to before Dec. 3, but after that each one can submit only seven more and five of those have to be sent in before the session begins. They can only submit two more bills during the session.

So what happens after Rep. Charlie Brown from Two Dot sends in his bill to recycle toilet paper? One of the couple dozen staff members of the Legislative Services in Helena does his or her best to actually "draft" the proposal into a bill, and then works out final details with Rep. Brown. Bills are given a number for reference purposes.

The Great Falls Tribune keeps veteran political reporter, Mike Dennison, in Helena to tell us what's going on over there and he is the one I rely on for most of what I know. Last Sunday, Mike's report caused me to pour my "before dinner brandy" right after breakfast.

The pre-legislature bill submissions right now are close to 2,000. Many Legislators have sent in 20 to 30, but the champion as of last Friday was Rep. Dave Gallik, a Democrat from Helena who has submitted 103. There is a real scary aspect… Gallik makes his living as a "trial lawyer," and says nearly a dozen of his proposals are requests from his fellow "trial lawyers." The rest of his draft submissions come from "suggestions by constituents."

Here is the good news. Most of the huge pile of bills are too similar to others, are too partisan, or are too ridiculous to ever get out of a committee, let alone make it onto the floor of the Senate or House. Nevertheless, you and I know there are a few rather weird ideas that wind up on the law books after every legislature. While it may be fair, no one of even modest wisdom has ever said a democracy is flawless.

A couple of the proposals so far would "abolish the death penalty," and "allow fantasy rodeo sports wagering on college campuses."

This is my plan, which I'm partially stealing from the Great Falls Tribune. The Trib is asking readers to submit bill proposals about their pet peeves, or trying to right something they think is wrong, or perhaps unfold a good new idea, then they will send the submissions to Dennison at the Capitol Bureau.

NOT ME.

I'd like folks to keep their ideas fairly short and send them to me at 1516 Woodland Ave., Kalispell. Who knows? Someone out there might have the best bill proposal of the year.

I have two things in mind, (A) all of us having fun and (B) making it into a contest for the best or funniest bill proposal. Will work with the Hagadone papers for a good prize or two. Please sit down and write me your idea for a new law.

To get things started. I'm going to dream up a bill:

(think-think-think)

"The Save our Western Heritage Bill."

"Be it enacted by the Montana Legislature that no person, male or female, be allowed to herd, roundup, drive, or work more than four head of cattle at anytime while wearing a baseball cap and riding a dinky motorcycle."

Why the bill? This revolting practice is a threat to everything we hold dear regarding America's vision of real Montana cowboys, while at the same time dismaying moneyed tourists from the big cities. The spirits of Gary Cooper, John Wayne, and Roy Rogers will not rest as long as this travesty is allowed to continue.

You get the idea: now try one of your own.

That reminds me of the State Legislature 50 years ago when an anti-brothel bill was introduced. A Senator from the Flathead was talking to a Senator from Butte and he asked, "What do you think we should do about that prostitution bill?"

The Butte Senator replied, "Well! If we owe it, we should pay it."

G. George Ostrom is the news director for KOFI Radio and a Flathead Publishing Group columnist.