Listen up, grads

A

friend of mine has the unenviable task of giving the commencement speech at graduation this weekend.

My advice was simple: Keep it short. No one will remember what you said anyway.

I hope no one ever asks me to give a commencement speech. Not that I mind public speaking. No, I can pretty much get in front of a big crowd on a whim and blab on if I have to. Crowds don't scare me much in that sense.

But I digress.

This is about your future. That's right, you. The one with the cap and gown on. I'm going to dole out some useful real world advice so get close to your newspaper. Closer. Closer.

Now listen up.

The following will help you in college. Forget high school. High school was a dream for some, a nightmare for others. It doesn't matter because once you enter college no one will care that you were the star of the football team or you were the sharpest kid in third period geometry or that you were a slacker that got an F in gym.

Go into the bathroom and wash that high school right out of your hair. What are you looking at? Go! Go!

We'll wait here.

Are you done? Good.

Now some of you will have parents who have enough cash to put you through college. You'll live in dorms and do your homework and get your degree and then you'll spell the college you went to wrong on your resume and you'll never get a job. Don't laugh. This is not funny. It happened just the other day. A nice girl sent me a resume and she was pleased to inform me she went to San Diego Sate University.

Sate is spelled right, so it doesn't come up in the spell check.

I certainly don't pretend to be some sort of grammar cop. I make my own fair share of mistakes. But you can't make mistakes on your resume. No way, Jose. (My favorite mistake was the candidate who said how much they loved the Hungary Horse News. Pack your bags, Virginia.)

This leads us to lesson No. 1: I don't care what you major in, you have to be able to spell. They don't offer spelling in college, last I checked, but they do offer plenty of courses in writing and in style. Take one. Take good notes. And for God's sake, proofread your resume.

Lesson No. 2: Most of you won't be getting free rides to college. So get a job in a restaurant. You will never starve to death no matter how little money you have. You laugh now, but trust me, there will come a day when you have absolutely nothing and you will love your job because it feeds you. Don't be afraid to wash dishes, either. Dishwashing teaches you all kinds of cool stuff. For example, most people don't eat their pickles and kids meals are a waste of money.

Lesson No. 3: Don't party on the weekdays. That's the easiest way to flunk out. Weekends may have been made for Michelob, but Michelob wasn't made for Wednesday night before the 8:15 a.m. English Lit class.

Lesson No. 4: The best class? Criminal law, by far. I was an English major, but criminal law taught me a lot about how to argue a case - any case.

Lesson No. 5: There's a lot of professors who will give you bad grades because you think differently than they do. Challenge them. A lot of them wouldn't have jobs if it wasn't for tenure.

Lesson 6: Have fun. College is so much better than high school. You're going to love it.

Chris Peterson is the editor of the Hungry Horse News.