Crazy contracts

One cannot reasonably expect answers to why or where from the human mind comes the inspiration for great poetry, invention of the wheel, sliced bread, Beethoven's 5th Symphony, or this week's column.

Each of us tends to go where the creative gremlins in our wheel house steer.

Hopefully, that bit of homely philosophy will help to explain why this week's column deals with the unlikely topic of "contracts."

Because "contracts" is a complicated subject and vital to all human activity, we will just touch lightly upon basics and then, go briefly to its sometimes insidious and profane applications.

To first encourage your faith in my knowledge of the subject, I once studied contracts in law, and received a modest grade of A minus.

We all make contracts on a daily basis, or at least try to make them. Most are oral and a few formally in writing.

For example, one time I told my insurance buddy, Holly Eastlund, if he would give me a break on my auto coverage. I'd give him golf lessons next summer.

Because he just laughed, there was no contract. Under law, there must be an offer, an acceptance, and a meeting of the minds. The element of acceptance was missing here, and the "meeting of the minds" part, left something to be desired.

Another necessary element of a contract is called "consideration," which is something of value, given in exchange for goods or services.

In his ignorance, Eastlund failed to place proper value on tips, which could have taken strokes off his handicap.

I recall thinking about contracts a while back when a local young man and his mother got arrested on charges of hiring a guy to shoot the F.B.I. agent who had put their father-husband and a son/brother in prison for peddling dope.

"Families who "play together" do not necessarily, "stay together."

A heartless government has put them all in separate crow bar motels. Another contract gone awry.

One of the more than "merely foolish" contracts I recall, occurred when the small U.S. Cavalry unit at Missoula in 1877 didn't have any money so they recruited mercenaries to help ambush Chief Joseph's band at the Bighole, by saying the rewards would be loot from the Indian village.

The promised "offer" included sly mention of fair dusky maidens and many good horses.

In this case, the innocent third party, Nez Perce Indians, being unaware of the consideration, sent survivors of first and second parties fleeing for their lives, and the meeting of the minds turned out to be fool's folly.

Surely, one of the more interesting contracts receiving wide publicity may have been negotiated by a beautiful Puerto Rican lady who starred in Caribbean soap operas.

Lydia Echevarria was arrested for putting out a contract on her celebrity TV host husband, Luis Vigoreaux.

Police wondered why Luis' body bore so many non-fatal wounds. Then it was found that the contract's "consideration" of $25,000 carried instructions that poor old Luis had to be tortured just a bit before being sent to the big cabana in the sky.

An irate Latin lady…really knows how to draw up a contract.

In most people's minds there is an understood contract between doctors and their patients giving assurance the doctor will do his or her best to diagnose any health problems found, honestly inform the patient of the findings, and council the best way to treat them.

Now it seems there will be a large legal case over the contract terms "honestly inform."

A doctor in New Hampshire came right out and told a female patient she was facing health and love life problems because she was "just too fat."

The doctor explained to the State Board of Medicine he was trying to "get her attention."

The lady claims this "blunt" way of describing her obesity has caused her "emotional distress."