Bloopers for Christmas

A column of stolen bloopers is better than what I had started about crime, especially this close to Christmas; so we are running a few more of the student reports collected by Richard Lederer at St. Pauls School. In the first collections we learned Sir Francis Drake had circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. There is more:

The government of England was a mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah," then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Rennaissance was William Shakespear. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same times as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was john Milton who wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife died and he wrote 'Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians who came down the hill rolling their war hoops. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Finally, the colonists won and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. His mother died in infancy. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said "in onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washigon to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Gravity was invented by IssacWalton. It is chiefly noticeable in Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote very loud music.

France was in a very serious state. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then Napolean became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't' bear children.

The nineteenth century was a time of may great inventions and thoughts. Cyrus McCormich invented the mcCormick raper, which could do the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species."

The first World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the annals of human history.

Happy Hollowdays! Nowell to all.