The Puppy Paternity Suit
Never owned a wire haired terrier before, but we're learning fast … they are agile. "Amy" is 5 years old and can clear three feet standing flat footed or dive through a six-inch crack between fence boards at top speed. She did that this week chasing a black rabbit out of our yard. That is why Ol' George is busy putting netting on two hundred feet of our fence, and that is why I'm reaching back to rework a column from 25 years ago:
Big city daily newspapers may run to over 100 pages and you can find crazy stuff in there, if you have the time. In Montana, dailies tend to be much smaller but a person can still pick up some "out of the ordinary."
Found the May 5 issue of the Missoulian in my den. Iris must have saved it because I was gone that day. On page 1 is a big story about Dan Smith of Columbia Falls winning a paternity suit against his neighbor, Richard Russell. Smith claimed Russell's "mutt" male dog Pete, illegally seduced his registered female Chesapeake, causing nine puppies. Justice of the Peace Shay gave judgment on paternity after viewing photos of the litter and Pete.
The case is now being appealed to District Court where I am rooting for Pete and those nine innocent little sons-of-a-bitch.
On page 2 is a yarn about industry executives getting paid millions of dollars in bonuses, for having such a swell year. Phil Caldwell, president of Ford, got $900,000 over and above salary. The bonuses may or may not have been wise and legitimate, but I personally feel that if those guys want to make that kind of money, they should play 3rd base for the Phillies, quarterback for the Steelers, or make a rock and roll record. After all … here in America we do have soundly established priorities and values. Right?
Also on page 2 is a short article about the state of Wisconsin getting $66,143 in federal funds to produce and broadcast a 30-second TV spot which teaches women "How to say NO." Doug Nelson from the state Health and Social Services department explained, "The ad focuses on the right of a person to control her own behavior and sexual activities."
This weird scenario makes us wonder if women "persons' in Wisconsin are more vulnerable and less literate than those elsewhere. Seems logical if that state Social Services department gets some more free federal money, it will film a follow-up ad teaching married wimmin how to say, "I've got a headache."
Up to page 8 now. Here's a report about authorities in Wayland, Massachusetts seizing a man's dog because he failed to have it professionally treated for a tumor. Reading between the lines and using an educated guess, I've decided the man couldn't afford a veterinarian, but does love his dog. Hopefully the Associated Press does a follow-up story … with a happy ending.
Also on page 8, scientists in New York have made infertile rats capable of having babies by brain transplants of the hormone called gonadotopin (I'm not making this up). Meanwhile, in Sweden, other scientists have done similar hormonal brain transplants which greatly upgraded the mental ability of brain damaged rats. They were also partially successful in their first two experiments on humans.
When the Swedes get their brain hormones treatment perfected they are planning to make millions selling that stuff … to Norwegians.
G. George Ostrom is a Kalispell resident and a national-award winning Hungry Horse News columnist.