An Early April Fool

G. GEORGE OSTROM / For the Hungry Horse News

April Fools Day is three weeks away but I'm taking the liberty of revisiting a 25 year old column noting that fun filled occasion. Seems hard to believe the 56-year-old person I was then could come up with such crazy stuff, but … even young guys can't be serious all the time:

The Watchtrailer by G. Egroeg Mortso (April 1985)

For this edition I'll be revealing a few events that are obviously important enough to make regular headlines, but for one reason or another have been overlooked by less alert reporters.

—-It was briefly reported that one of our county commissioners recently returned from a midwest hospital where he had undergone brain surgery; however, when contacted at the Mayo Clinic for more details, a nameless but reliable source reported, "In this particular case, it was minor surgery. In fact, the patient only had to have his pants off for 20 minutes."

—-Three activists from the Friends of Animals Society were killed and eaten by grizzly bears last summer in a remote area of Glacier Park, but surviving members of their hiking group voted to hush up the entire incident in order to protect their well known stand against shooting the big beasts. I happened to find one of those survivors when he was well into his cups and admitted to agreeing with his group's difficult decision at the time; however, he is now having second thoughts about continuing to make substantial payments on the accident, health, and life insurance policies of his late wife.

—- The Cenex Corporation has been held up from spending a few million dollars on an exploratory oil and gas well near Polebridge by strong opposition from zealous fern feelers. We now have it from inside sources the company has given up on spending so much money just getting permits for what is already a risky undertaking, and is trying to use well money to buy secret information from some North Fork hippies. Top Cenex managers are convinced the "back to nature people" have found a substitute for gasoline, because none of them walk or ride horses into town to collect food stamps and welfare checks.

—- It is unpleasant these days for anyone who must visit the aging Flathead County jail, because the building is permeated with the odor of raw sewage. There is a rumor supporters of the new "Justive Complex" have created this problem by tunneling underneath and plugging the main line in order to raise more public sympathy for the new jail; however, a top reporter has found evidence the culprits are actually a group of defense lawyers who are desperate for unique excuses to get some of their violent but otherwise loveable clientele out on parole. It just might work, considering how many of their odoriferous shenanigans in the past have been successful.

—-There is currently a still confidential scheme underway all across the state of Montana, wherein desperate bar owners will buy out existing bus and taxi services and create their own. One of the sharper tavern owners dreamed up the unique "Drunk Delivery System" and presented the plan to others.

Before the recent crackdown by Federal, state, county, and city law enforcement on drunk drivers, bartenders had to watch their more enthusiastic customers and cut them off while they were still able to stagger to their car, but the crackdown has made control stricter. Millions of dollars have been lost to a point where saloon owners in Livingston even prevailed on their city council to stop accepting federal funds being used to cut down drunk driving.

Under the new plan to be activated in mid summer, a part of start-up cost for "Drunk Delivery System" will be pro-rated into the price of drinks by a computer; however, customers will be allowed to partake beyond the stage where they can maintain an unassisted vertical stance. Far sighted bar owners have already ordered anchor-down stools with seat belts along with underarm support slings for standup drinkers. The increased business is expected to more that pay for home delivery costs. Next fall, "Stage Two" will set up a service to go and fetch snockered customers who've run out of booze at home and still feel the need for "a couple more."

Most bar owners believe, "Within two years … drunk driving arrests will be history."

G. George Ostrom is a Kalispell resident and a national award-winning Hungry Horse News columnist.