About changing roots

Discussion occurred last week at Over the Hill Gang coffee hour about reasons there are no famous Norwegian golfers. Two Swedes and two Irishmen are currently listed in a list of 20 best golfers in the world. That conversation brought back painful memories of my discovering at age 55, I was not Norwegian as our family believed.

I'd spent all those years bragging about being Norwegian, signing insulting songs about Swedes, saying it's easy to tell a level-headed Swede because the snooze runs out both corners of his mouth ... then one day research of family tree proved "I was a swede." The shocking news brought on despair and grief. Before publicly admitting the truth, I suffered Norsk-Withdrawl, which in authenticated cases has driven strong man to drink, self-destruction, and worse. Even considered being a "closet Swede."

Norwegian friends were not helpful. Margy Dornfeld gave me a cap that said, "I'm not Norwegian - but I'm taking pills for it." I believe what helped adjustment were news stories I found coming out of Norway. They seemed to illustrate problems within the gene pool.

Examples: A Norwegian mayor tried passing a law making it illegal to be ornery or cross with anyone. That was when I decided Alfred Newman, was probably Norwegian. Then there was the tale of an attorney who was jailed for DUI when his car rolled forward only 19 inches. He was trying to remove his brief case and bumped the gearshift. Where in the Norwegian heart was a sign of mercy?

One of the scariest stories from that part of "the old country" was one wherein a couple was arrested for giving their new son a moniker, which was not on the government list of "approved" Norwegian names.

Women around the world were shocked when a panel of judges in Bergen ruled an "irritating woman" deserved beatings. This lady, "Lena Doe," had a boyfriend, "Lars Doe," and he admitted knocking her around on a regular basis. Two "lay judges" said Lena "did not get more than she had to expect based on her behavior." The judicial panel said, "The beatings must be seen in the light of (Lena Doe) more or less making a lifestyle out of provoking and irritating the accused so that Lars Doe lost control."

Norway claims to be a model society when it comes to sexual equality so this case had many citizens choking on their Lutefisk. Women's groups are "vrede an helvete" (madder than hell) and to his credit, the prosecutor said he'd appeal the ruling. Jon Atle Njosen said, "We can't let a ruling stand based on the argument that an irritating lifestyle justifies a beating."

Once I had bit the bullet and reported on radio and newspaper the facts of my ancestry, life returned to near normal, and most Norwegian friends have forgiven my trespasses.

Now! If anyone knows why "they can't play golf good," maybe someone will tell me and I will really try hard to not make jokes about it.

G. George Ostrom is a national award-winning columnist for Hungry Horse News. He lives in Kalispell.