A time for rhyme

Nobody ever told me I had to always be either serious or humorous in these columns. That is why over the years there have been quite a few which might be labeled “nutty.” Following is an example from winter 1991:

They never let up. They are at it night and day. I’m talking about easy weepers and willy-nilly nerds who want to change all our old Aesop Fables, fairy tales and nursery rhymes. This questionable use of life’s alloted time and energy made its first intrusions, into my life, in the early 50s, when all this permissiveness began in handling children, and eventually criminals. Apparently the idea is to prevent mental trauma and psyche scarring in kids by completely insulating them from the facts of life.

Dr. Herman Kantor is the latest one I’ve read about who wants to make the world a better place by denying the existence of hurt and tragedy. As an example, the good doctor has rewritten things so that Humpty Dumpty gets patched up. Mother Hubbard finds some biscuits for her “poor dog,” and he even created positive domestic intervention in order to upgrade the lifestyle of the “old Lady” who lived in a shoe.

If you would like to spare your little children the sad stuff in the originals, Dr. Kantor’s latest book is called “Mother Goose & More.” In there you will find that Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater has manged to find a house for his wife, and Jack Sprat put on a few pounds. Maybe he’s even gone into weight lifting now and his wife is on a sensible diet. I haven’t read the book.

Dr. Lee Salk, a nationally-noted child psychologist does not agree with people like Dr. Kantor. He is quoted as saying, “But in reality, there are times when endings are not happy. These stories (the originals) help them deal with problems at the fantasy level and that helps them deal with problems at the reality level,” I’m with Dr. Salk; however, I can see where those people like Kantor probably have some measure of fun, changing children’s historic literature. I’ll try modernizing a few myself.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,

But never jump over a candlestick,

You could set fire to all your attire,

Scorching ankles and knees and much higher.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water.

Jack was knocked down for messing around,

Because Jill knew what he was after.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey.

Along came a spider, and sat down beside her.

So she grabbed some spray and blew him away.

Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top!

When the wind blows the cradle will rock,

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,

Down will come mamma for child neglect, et. al.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings horses and all the kings men,

Made a Humpty Dumpty omelet and ate him at ten.

Mistress Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

With silver bells and cockleshells, and some weed that really sells.

Have to go now. There are governments guys here with a butterfly net.

G. George Ostrom is a national award-winning columnist for Hungry Horse News. He lives in Kalispell.