Family shares story of loss to inspire conversations about suicide
Perfectionist.
Jokester.
Athletic, with lots of friends.
These are the words Vicki and Orlin Gravelle use to describe their son.
Dustin Leon Gravelle was a junior at Flathead High School where he ran hurdles for the track team and was known for sporting his “Hump Day” T-shirt around campus.
He had some struggles in the classroom, but nothing that seemed outside the bounds of typical teenage growing pains.
It happened in early February.
The family had a Super Bowl party planned the following day.
Dustin was looking forward to it, Vicki recalled.
But on Feb. 5, 2005, the adventurous 18-year-old died by suicide.
“He had some issues with school just because he was a preemie when we was born … but once he got a few grades into school, nobody would know it because he did real well,” Vicki said. “We were pretty surprised — I think the whole community was.”
In the years to follow, their search for answers to the question: “Why?” also uncovered troubling statistics about statewide trends. Montana tops the nation for highest suicide rates per capita, and in Dustin’s age group — 15 to 24 — it is the second leading cause of death.
This week is National Suicide Prevention Week and on Sunday, Sept. 15, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention will host the Flathead Valley Out of the Darkness Community Walk, beginning at 2 p.m. at Kalispell’s Gateway Community Center. A quarter of a million people will participate in more than 550 “Out of the Darkness” walks held in cities across the country to raise funds and awareness to help fight suicide.
Last year, the Gravelles were among the Flathead’s 100-plus walkers, but this year, they wanted to do more.
In addition to gathering sponsorships for the walk, they decided to come forward with their story in hopes of inspiring others to start conversations with their friends and loved ones, and bring the topic of suicide out of the darkness.
“It will be 15 years in February, when we lost our son, and just thought maybe it’s time to do something,” Vicki said.
“We didn’t have the strength before,” Orlin added.
But as difficult as it can be, for the Gravelles, suicide is too important not to talk about.
The Northwest consistently outranks the rest of the country for rates of suicide per capita, with Montana, Wyoming and Alaska regularly rounding out the top three.
Montana’s suicide rate is more than twice the national average of 14 deaths per 100,000 people, with 28.9 deaths per 100,000 people in 2017, according to the most recent available data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Many factors contribute to this statewide issue, including high alcohol consumption, a lengthy winter season, stigma of mental-health issues and a lack of access to mental-health services. In Flathead County specifically, 5% of adults reported that within the past year, they experienced a time when they needed mental-health services but were unable to get them.
“If we can’t get ahead of it, it’s always going to be us reacting and responding and we don’t want that,” said walk chairperson Alison Schmaltz. “We want to do what we can to prevent [suicide].”
Suicide is most often results from a combination of stressors and health issues, leading to an experience of hopelessness and despair, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Warning signs include a change in behavior — especially one related to a painful event or loss — withdrawing from social activities and talking about being a burden, among others signals. Surprisingly, a period of sudden improvement may not indicate the person has crossed over a hurdle, but has instead finalized their decision to take their life.
“Nothing that we could ever read would say that he was thinking about something that would end his life,” Orlin said. “That’s what we’re hoping to get across, is for people to talk about it more. Just be aware.”
Schmaltz recommends broaching the topic by acknowledging concern for the person.
“‘I care about you, I see you’re really struggling with some things, let’s talk about it,’” she said, as an example. “Trying to open the door always with care and concern is the number one piece and realizing that sometimes it’s hard, but you have to do it.”
Asking about suicide directly is also recommended by the foundation. Studies show that acknowledging the person’s thoughts of suicide doesn’t increase their risk, as some might believe, but actually reduces suicidal ideation. It is also important to avoid minimizing their problems or giving advice, according to the foundation. If the person says they are considering suicide, stay with them, help remove lethal means from the area and escort them to mental-health services or an emergency room.
Experts agree there is value in talking about suicide for prevention’s sake, but also to aid in the healing process for survivors. For years, Orlin and Vicki said they struggled to discuss the suicide of their son openly. In the first few months following Dustin’s death, Vicki would avoid going to the store or would veer out of the aisle to avoid seeing someone she knew. Orlin disguised himself with one of Dustin’s knit caps and sunglasses at sporting events to shield himself from inquiry.
“I remember at least the first five years, when somebody asked me what happened, I didn’t know what to say and now I’m clear. I tell them what happened. That it was suicide,” Orlin said. “I like people talking about it now. I like people to remember, regardless of suicide — Dustin.”
There are so many memories to choose from when recalling the vibrant young man that was their son. A large panel of photos just outside the kitchen shows Dustin pursing his various passions — wake boarding, team sports, dirt biking. There’s a shot of his tattoo — a sun flanked by two waves — representing his love for the outdoors and water sports.
It’s these things and so many more that they’ll carry with them during the community walk this Sunday.
It’s not an easy day, Vicki said, but she and her husband won’t be stepping forward alone.
They’ll walk among survivors, among those who have lost and among those who have struggled themselves.
“It’s good for the people that are participating — they come together, they talk about it,” Vicki said. “It was really hard for me last year and it will be hard again this year I’m sure, but everybody needs that. … If they can feel comfortable enough to go, it’ll be good for them in the long run.”
Mackenzie Reiss can be reached at (406) 758-4433 or mreiss@dailyinterlake.com.
Resources
- If you are in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.
- Mental-health first-aid training: This free community training helps individuals recognize signs of mental illness, substance abuse and how to interact with a person in crisis. Learn more or schedule a free training by calling Malia at (406) 751-8182.
- QPR Training: Question. Persuade. Refer. is a training to help those responding to mental-health crises. Classes are one hour in length and free to Flathead County community members. For more information, call (406) 751-8182.
- Firearms are involved 64% of suicides in Montana. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, in partnership with the National Shooting Sports Foundation, advocates for the safe storage of firearms — locked and unloaded at all times. Free gun locks are available to all Flathead County residents at the Health Promotion Office of the Flathead City-County Health Department located at 1035 First Ave. W., Kalispell.
- A list of local mental-health clinics for both children and adults can be found at AssistFlathead.org by clicking Community Resources and then Adult Mental Health.
- Resources for those experiencing suicidal thoughts or family and friends of those experiencing suicidal ideation can find help and more information at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website, www.asp.org/find-support/.
Event details
The Out of the Darkness Flathead Valley Walk will take place at 2 p.m. on Sunday, Sept. 15 at the Gateway Community Center located at 1203 U.S. 2 W, Suite 31, Kalispell. Check-in and registration begins at 1 p.m. Register online until noon Friday by visiting www.afsp.org and select “Take action.”
Registration is free but donations are appreciated. Funds raised go to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to support research, educational programs and public policy advocacy. Indoor and outdoor walk routes are available, should inclement weather arise. Well-behaved dogs on leashes are welcome at the event. For more information contact Alison at (406) 253-8851 or alischmaltz@gmail.com.